Michael Scott Quotes

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Played by: Steve Carell

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Pam		My Mother's coming.
Michael		Thats what she said!
Comments		- Season 2 - Sexual Harassment


Michael		You don't call retarded people retards, it's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded.
Comments		- Season 3 - Gay Witch Hunt


Michael		Down-sizing is a bitch.
Comments		- Season 1 - Pilot



Michael		People I respect, heros of mine: Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, Bono and probably God would be the forth one.
Comments


Michael		You wouldn't just arrest someone for delivering drugs from one guy to another.
Comments		- Season 2 - Sexual Harassment


Michael		I'm an early bird and I'm an owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.
Comments		- Season 2 - Office Olympics



Michael		Thats what she said!
Comments


Michael		There are ten rules of business that you need to know... You have to play to win, but you need to win to play... I'll give you the other nine after lunch.
Comments		- Season 2 - The Fire


Michael		My emergency contact is Todd Packer, Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F stands for?
Ryan		Fudge?
Comments		- Season 2 - The Fight



Michael		Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train, you would probably think she was dead.
Comments		- Season 2 - The Client


Michael		There are certain things a boss should not share with his employees: his salary, that would depress them, his bed...
Comments		- Season 2 - Email Surveillance


Michael		Why do I like Hooters? Well I'll give you two reasons: the boobs and the hot wings.
Comments		- Season 2 - The Secret


Michael		What's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight		A saleswoman has a vagina.
Comments		- Season 2 - Dwights Speech


Michael		Cage matches, yeah they work. If they didn't work then everybody would still be in the cage.
Comments		- Season 2 - Conflict Resolution


Michael		Two queens on casino night. I'm going to drop a deuce on everybody!
Comments		- Season 2 - Casino Night


Michael		Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how it is you're able to do that to another dude.
Comments		- Season 3 - Gay Witch Hunt


Michael		It feels like someone has took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledge. Then a third person walks in and hits me in the grief bone. And I am crying and no one can hear me, as I’m terribly, terribly, terribly alone.
Comments		- Season 3 - Grief Counseling


Michael		These are not my shoes.
Comments		- Season 3 - Diwali


Michael		I didn't hire a convict, unless you mean Toby, convicted rapist...
Comments		- Season 3 - The Convict


Michael		They say that when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. Well with Carol I knew within the first 24 minutes... of the second day that I met her.
Comments		- Season 3 - A Benihana Christmas


Michael		So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a big fish in a little pond. Where as back here in Scranton I'm still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss, the dog or the fish?
Comments		- Season 4 - Fun Run


Michael		I have flaws, what are they? Oh, I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, occasionally I'll hit someone with my car.
Comments		- Season 4 - Fun Run


Michael		I hate hospitals, in my mind they are associated with sickness.
Comments		- Season 4 - Fun Run


Michael		I'm not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.
Comments		- Season 4 - Fun Run


Michael		I'm fast, I'm very fast, I'm like Forest Gump... but I'm not an idiot.
Comments		- Season 4 - Fun Run


Pam		I know you Michael, I've seen you naked.
Michael		You don't know me Pam, you've just seen my penis.
Comments		- Season 4 - Fun Run


Michael		Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight		Shotgun weddings!
Jim		That's not what that is.
Comments		- Season 5 - Weight Loss


Michael		I have got to make sure youTube come down to tape this.
Comments		- Season 5 - Stress Relief 2


Michael		It's Britney bitch!
Comments		- Season 5 - Heavy Competition


Michael		Our balls are in your court.
Comments		- Season 5 - Broke


Michael		Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight		Shot-gun weddings.
Comments		- Season 5 - Weight Loss


Michael		You all took a life here today. The life of the party.
Comments


Michael		If I had two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Comments


Michael		So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?
Meredith		Well, I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an upper decker.
Comments		- Season 6 - Mafia


Michael		The principles that I'm applying to the office are the same ones that made Lady Gaga a star... Or any number of drag queens.
Comments		- Season 6 - The Banker


Michael		I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks manager, she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near cigarette now without thinking of a penis, and vice versa.
Comments		- Season 6 - The Manager and the Salesman


Michael		It is St Patrick's Day and here at Scranton, that is a huge deal... It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Comments		- Season 6 - St Patrick's Day


Michael		If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Comments		- Season 6 - The Chump


Michael		Will I tell them? No, as a Doctor you wouldn't tell a patient if they were dying of cancer.
Comments		- Season 1 - Pilot