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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteI'm Jackie Moon, I take care of you guys, right? I mean, you can just think of me as Bambi's mother. I make sure nothing bad'll happen to you.Close Quote
Twiggy Open QuoteBambi's mother got shot, right?Close Quote
Bee Bee Open QuoteYeah, first scene.Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteEveryone can eat sh*t, a big bag of sh*t, I'm the greatest man in the world.Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteDissolve? What's dissolve? Is that even a word?Close Quote
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Commissioner Commissioner Open QuoteGoddamn it Bob, I'm about to reach over there and tear you a new asshole!Close Quote
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Monix Monix Open QuoteI'm at the top of my game... I'm very close to the top... I just got traded for a f*cking washing machine. What am I talking about?Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteThere's nothing in the rule book that says you can't play drunk.Close Quote
Dick Dick Open QuoteNo, actually there is.Close Quote
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Dick Dick Open QuoteThe Swedes are so inventive, aren't they?Close Quote
Bobby Open QuoteThey are my favourite producers of pornography.Close Quote
Jackie Jackie Open QuoteThey make an excellent f*ck picture.Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteIt feels like I've got cat piss in my eyes.Close Quote
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Lou Lou Open QuoteIt's a sh*t-f*cking-sandwich, Dick.Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteSomebody hit somebody!Close Quote
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Lou Lou Open QuoteI'll bet my alleged son he doesn't make this shot.Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteI'm so happy, I can't feel my arms!Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteDid you lose weight, Father Pat?Close Quote
Pat Pat Open QuoteF*ck off Jackie.Close Quote
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Lou Lou Open QuoteWell, it's true, what they say about Bee Bee's wife. She has got a tremendous set of boobs.Close Quote
Dick Dick Open QuoteTo me, they're too large. To me she looks structurally unsound.Close Quote
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Dick Dick Open QuoteWell, we've got an especially dirty hippy here...Close Quote
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Jackie Jackie Open QuoteEverybody panic! It's just like the Titanic, but it's full of bears!Close Quote
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Semi-Pro Characters

Will Ferrell Will Ferrell  as  Jackie Moon Woody Harrelson Woody Harrelson  as  Monix
Andre Benjamin Andre Benjamin  as  Clarence Maura Tierney Maura Tierney  as  Lynn
Andrew Daly Andrew Daly  as  Dick Pepperfield Will Arnett Will Arnett  as  Lou Redwood
Andy Richter  as  Bobby Dee David Koechner David Koechner  as  Commissioner
Rob Corddry Rob Corddry  as  Kyle Matt Walsh Matt Walsh  as  Father Pat
   Twiggy Munson    Bee Bee Ellis

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