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Karl Pilkington Quotes
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TV Show:
An Idiot Abroad The Ricky Gervais ShowAn Idiot Abroad |
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Congress tart!
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Just saying 'waste not, want not', I don't think it's that good. It's not even that catchy.
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How would you word it?
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Woah, woah, don't be chucking that out, you might need that later.
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- Season 1 - Charity
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I saw a leg, sticking out of a door way, thought 'here we go'. Walked past it, you're not going to believe this... Homeless, Chinese fella. I've seen one of them.
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- Season 1 - Charity
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| Karl |
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There was John the Screw.
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He had sex a lot? Or he worked in a prison?
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| Karl |
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No he had a DIY shop.
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He slept in a rubber dinghy.
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Why did he sleep in a rubber dinghy?
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He just liked boats and stuff.
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- Season 1 - Cobblers
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He's the one who lived in a bed sit and he had two tellies. He had one that the sound didn't work on and one that the picture didn't. But both together... it worked.
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- Season 1 - Cobblers
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I don't normally cook at home. I leave it all to Suzanne. The deal is, she does the cooking, I wash up. But we've got a dishwasher now. So I don't really do anything.
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D'you know like they say people have sixth senses?
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| Ricky |
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Yeah.
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| Karl |
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There's loads more than that.
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- Season 1 - Space Monkey
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I'm surprised that no companies have thought about sponsoring the homeless. Something like a clothing company. Give them some clothes, put an advert on the back. Everyone's a winner.
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Read in a free newspaper that hedgehogs could be gone by 2025. I think I've seen more dead hedgehogs than aline ones anyway, so I won't miss them.
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| Karl |
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Too many Chinese cooks spoils the broth.
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- Season 1 - Nuts
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| Karl |
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It's like when you're scared of your boss, you imagine him naked don't you?
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| Ricky |
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You work for Rupert Murdoch, Karl. You're imagining him naked now aren't you? What's he look like?
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| Karl |
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Like a turtle without it's shell.
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| Karl |
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Just what you want, innit? Imagine that, being Jesus, being taken, you know, your life's gonna end, you've got someone with a recorder. It's the worst sound going, innit? It's the worst instrument, that. I'd say 'Do it here".
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- Season 1 - Mexico
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| Karl |
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Everything that we've done, they've gone, right we're gonna do it weirder.
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- Season 1 - China
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| Karl |
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I don't think I've ever felt this lost... Even in Whales.
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- Season 1 - China
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Yeah, it smells more Chinesey now... Sort of sweet and sour.
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- Season 1 - China
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| Karl |
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If you're not happy looking a knob in the face, there's something wrong.
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- Season 1 - Karl Comes Home
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| Karl |
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My mam told me to be an Hell's Angel, you got to sh*t in your pants. You have to sh*t in your pants and keep 'em on for a week.
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- Season 1 - Karl Comes Home
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| Karl |
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This is pretty sh*t, init? You're meant to be able to see it from the moon, aren't you, the Great Wall? Would you want to?
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- Season 1 - China
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Being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall, it's the alright wall. It's the Alright Wall of China
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- Season 1 - China
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| Karl |
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You know, you can see it (The Great Wall) for miles. It goes on for miles over the hills. But so does the M6.
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| Karl |
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Was that a massage? I don't know, or was I just being mugged?
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- Season 1 - China
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| Karl |
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I didn't think China was gonna be like this. I thought it was gonna be more... Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod. I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod... Have a toilet roll first.
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| Karl |
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(Looking at the Pyramids) It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand.
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- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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They don't have chocolate eggs here. I mean, for me that's what Easter is. Take the eggs away, its Friday.
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- Season 1 - Mexico
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| Karl |
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Chicken... Why is it orange in China Town?
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| Karl |
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I've got enough friends. I've always said you only need seven mates to get you through life, that's it. I've mentioned Snow White with the midgets. She had them all covered in seven.
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- Season 1 - Brazil
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| Karl |
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You don't see that in the brochure, do you? A sh*tty old nappy whizzing through the air. They tend to leave that out.
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| Karl |
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So I meet this bloke, a local fella called Richard. Tiny, you think he's miles away. Turns out he's about four foot, so he seemed further away than he actually was.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Bit grey, isn't it? Is today a cloudy dad or is this pollution? It's not worth having this in HD, nothing looks crisp.
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- Season 1 - China
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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If that (Pyramids) was on my road the council would be on it, they would be like, get that down, it's a death trap.
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- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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There alphabet is not like ours. There's is like someone testing out a biro.
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- Season 1 - China
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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When you said about the helicopter, I've just said I enjoyed it, that's all... Yeah, and the Jesus thing was alright.
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- Season 1 - Peru
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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He said all the badness that was in me, was transfered to the guinea pig. So somewhere, there's a guinea pig walking around with major sh*ts.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I mean, is it normal to have sweaty ears? I've never had a sweaty ear in my life.
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- Season 1 - Brazil
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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How much is it to stay here for the night?
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| Guy |
4 pounds point 5.
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| Karl |
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Have you got anything for 6 pounds.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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It's like cladding, for a cave.
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- Season 1 - Jordan
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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It just seems mad that they've got planes, when they haven't got runways. Like people on Bullseye who used to win boats, when they live in a block of flats.
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- Season 1 - Peru
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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It's been interesting, Steve. I've learned a lot. I've seen a lot, I've done a lot... I've shat a lot.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I stayed at a place that had an en-suite shed.
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- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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No one I know has ever been rushing around going into Body Shop saying, 'you haven't got any cow sh*t soap, have you?' It's not needed. It's not necessary in life.
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- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I learnt that babies in China, a lot of 'em have square heads.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Louis Armstrong did that What A Wonderful World song... I don't know what he's going on about.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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A little elephant going down the street there. I can't imagine them being that good as a way of getting about. To me that's like how people moan in London about people having four-by-fours. You don't need an animal of that size to get about, it's way to big.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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They just overload the bikes so much, that you just kinda think, get a van.
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- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I reckon I've had about an hour's kip. I mean, that song, Walk Like an Egyptian... No one's walking. Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours, just beeping.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I don't feel like I'm round some sort of special power, but he seems like a nice bloke and that's all you want, really. Nice bloke, makes you feel welcome in his gaff, he's fed us, he's let me have a bed, messed about in his rubber dinghy.
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- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Hello.
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| Ricky |
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What's going on?
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| Karl |
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I'm just on the Ganges at the moment. I'm just on a rubber dinghy with a 77-year-old man.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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He wanted to cleanse my soul... I've never had it cleansed before.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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A lot of people say, 'I'm going to India to find myself.' But what happens if I change and I go home and I'm all different? Suzanne's gonna go, 'What's happened to you?', and then she doesn't like the new me. And then I'll start to hate myself because I'm not the person who I thought I was... I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting bills for Karl Pilkington left, right and centre, so I hope I'm him, 'cause if I'm not I'm paying for someone else.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Bit of a stretch there, for the toiler paper, if I'm being picky.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Alan Wicker, he did all his travel shows years ago. A smart fella with a suit on. Never saw him covered in sh*t. Never saw im knackered, whinging, moaning.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - India
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I've never experimented that much with food. I didn't have pasta till I was about 21, 22.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Hummus, couscous, anything like that, I just don't have that sort of stuff. It's not a meal, it's a garnish.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Me mam walked up to some fella who she thought was a Big Issue seller, who was stood there with a magazine in his hands. She walked up, she said, 'you can keep the magazine,' and gave him a quid. Turns out it was just a fella stood outside Going Places, with a holiday brochure in his hand... He kept it.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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When Palin went round the world in 80 days, I wonder if that was a scheduled time or if he just said, 'I'm sick of this, can we speed it up?'.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Before when you were talking about bananas, now I had that fact about if you eat more than six, it can kill you.
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I don't like dancing at weddings. So I ain't gonna do it on a dual-carriage way, am I?
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Jordan
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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The only thing that's annoying with camping is er, the... toilet situation.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Peru
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Camels their known as the ships of the desert, we've ended up with the bloody Titanic.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Jordan
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The Ricky Gervais Show |
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| Karl |
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I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes out with stuff.
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Comments |
- Season 2 - Clive Warren
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The Ricky Gervais Show |
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| Karl |
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I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse.
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Comments |
- Season 2 - Future
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The Ricky Gervais Show |
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| Karl |
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I don't know why gays like looking at knobs when they've got one of their own.
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Comments |
- Season 2 - Leg Rubber
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Their writing is just like testing out a biro.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - China
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Well, I never said it was delicious. You're putting words in my mouth now, along with other things.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Egypt
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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A load of bees 'ere. Is anywhere safe?
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Mexico
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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I know I'm not that old yet, but I reckon this is the lowest point of my life.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Peru
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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There was underpants hanging on the end of my bed, and they weren't even mine.
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Comments |
- Season 1 - Brazil
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An Idiot Abroad |
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| Karl |
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Normally on a Monday night, I'd probably have a little bit of lamb that's left over from Sunday dinner. And yet, you know, this Monday night... cock and bollocks, couple of eyes, er... bit of tongue, you know, for garnish... I never thought I'd say that.
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