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Hi, if you like funny quotes, you'll love this site... It's full of funny quotes from TV Shows and Movies. I've hand picked all of the TV shows and movies and I've made sure only the funniest quotes get approved.
If you have some funny quotes you'd like to add, you'll find a form at the bottom of most pages.

Top TV and Movie Quotes

South Park

Butters Butters Open QuoteWow, I'm feeling kinda bowling-ballish, fellas.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 8 - Quest for Ratings
 

Scrubs

Ted Open QuoteWith all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm, mine don't have any tails, they are just kinda blobs that roll from place to place.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 8 - My Absence
 

South Park

Cartman Cartman Open QuoteWhat awaits everyone in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest and ten thousand dollars cash.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 9 - The Death of Eric Cartman
 

The Mighty Boosh

Naboo Open QuoteI'm Naboo, that's who.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Electro
 

The IT Crowd

Moss Moss Open QuoteWould I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - The Red Door
 

The Office (US)

Michael Michael Open QuoteYou don't call retarded people retards, it's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 3 - Gay Witch Hunt
 

Anchorman

Brick Brick Open QuoteHey Ron! I'm riding on a furry tractor!Close Quote
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Get Him to the Greek

Sergio Sergio Open QuoteDo you know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear?Close Quote
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Get Him to the Greek

Sergio Sergio Open QuoteI’m mind f*cking you right now… I’m mind f*cking the shit out of you.Close Quote
Aaron Aaron Open QuoteI hope you’re wearing a condom, because I have a dirty mind.Close Quote
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Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies

Kumar Kumar Open QuoteDude, how were Katie Holmes’ tits?Close Quote
Goldstein Goldstein Open QuoteYou know the holocaust?.. Picture the opposite of that.Close Quote
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Dude Where's My Car

Chester Chester Open QuoteWhat does mine say?Close Quote
Jesse Jesse Open QuoteSweet!Close Quote
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Road Trip

Dog Open QuoteHey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes. Now!Close Quote
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South Park

Mr Garrison Mr Garrison Open QuoteApparently, we have a little problem here at the school, that we need to talk about.Close Quote
Cartman Cartman Open QuoteAarh, yes, you mean the Jew problem.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 11 - Lice Capades
 

American Pie 3

Stifler Stifler Open QuoteF*cking right doggy, that's good cake!Close Quote
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Role Models

Sweeny Sweeny Open QuoteDon't BS a BS'er.Close Quote
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The Royle Family

Jim Jim Open QuoteAre you going to make a brew or what Barbara? I’ve got a throat here like Gandhi’s bloody flip-flop.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Episode 2
 

Role Models

Sweeny Sweeny Open QuoteDo you know what I used to eat for breakfast?.. Cocaine. Do you know what I used to eat for lunch?.. Cocaine.Close Quote
Wheeler Wheeler Open QuoteWhat did you have for dinner?Close Quote
Danny Danny Open QuoteWas it cocaine?Close Quote
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Paul

Gus Gus Open QuoteDon't you put those queer eyes on me.Close Quote
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The Simpsons

Homer Open QuoteI love these lazy Saturdays.Close Quote
Marge Marge Open QuoteIt’s Wednesday Homer.Close Quote
Homer Open QuoteAaargh! Work!Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 9 - Reality Bites
 

Paul

Ruth Ruth Open QuoteYou bet your hair love eggs we are.Close Quote
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Newest Quotes

Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon Napoleon Open QuoteHey Kip can you brung me my chap stick?Close Quote
Kip Kip Open QuoteNo Napoleon.Close Quote
Napoleon Napoleon Open QuoteGod!Close Quote
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Going the Distance

Garrett Garrett Open QuoteCan I ask you a question? ... I miss you.Close Quote
Erin Erin Open QuoteThat's not a question.Close Quote
Garrett Garrett Open QuoteYeah it is.Close Quote
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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Heart

Joel Joel Open QuoteConstantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.Close Quote
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Family Guy

Chris Chris Open QuoteWant some ice cream?Close Quote
Stewie Stewie Open QuoteYes. But no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find I shall kill you.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall Quote Entered by: Cole Law
 

South Park

Mr Garrison Mr Garrison Open QuoteHave you seen my penis?Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall Quote Entered by: Hannah Boykin - Season 12 - Eek, a Penis!
 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Heart

Joel Joel Open QuoteSand is over-rated.Close Quote
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The Shawshank Redemption

Red Red Open QuoteI like to think that the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.Close Quote
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Sex and the City

Charlotte Open QuoteI can't Brian, I want to but I can't, I don't want to or maybe I do. I dont know what I want. I'm afraid if I don't, you'll dump me and if I do, then i'll be the up-the-butt girl. I don't want to be the up-the-butt girl. Men don't marry the up-the-butt-girl who ever heard of Mrs Up-the-butt.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Valley of the Twenty-Somthing Guys
 

Sex and the City

Miranda Open QuoteTheres a camp that believes whoever holds the dick, holds the power, but the question is if he goes up your butt will he respect you more or less?Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Valley of the Twenty-Somthing Guys
 

Sex and the City

Samantha Open QuoteI am so f*cked, no I mean literally. I have been f*cked every way you can be f*cked.Close Quote
Carrie Open QuoteIf you keep talking like that, I'll have to charge you by the minute.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Valley of the Twenty-Somthing Guys
 

The Shawshank Redemption

Hadley Hadley Open QuoteIf I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night, I swear by God and sonny Jesus, you will all visit the infirmary.Close Quote
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Sex and the City

Carrie Open QuoteEverywhere I looked people were standing in twos, it was like Noahs Upper West Side rent controlled ark.Close Quote
Samantha Open QuoteIt's all married couples.Close Quote
Carrie Open QuoteSamantha gave me a look like I had sold her to the enemy for chocolate bars and nylons.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Bay of Married Pigs
 

The Shawshank Redemption

Hadley Hadley Open QuoteWhat is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?Close Quote
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Sex and the City

Carrie Open QuoteHave you ever been in love?Close Quote
Mr Big Open QuoteAbso-f*cking-lutely!Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Sex and the City
 

The Shawshank Redemption

Norton Norton Open QuoteI believe in two things, discipline and the Bible. You will receive both here. Put your faith in the Lord. Your ass belongs to me.Close Quote
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The Shawshank Redemption

Hadley Hadley Open QuoteYou eat when we say you eat! You sh*t when we say you sh*t, and you piss when we say you piss. You got that, you maggot-dick motherf*cker?Close Quote
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Sex and the City

Stanford Open QuoteI'm beginning to think the only place in New york where you can find love is the gay community, its straight love thats become closeted.Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall - Season 1 - Sex and the City
 

V for Vendetta

Dascomb Dascomb Open QuoteOur job is to report the news, not fabricate it. That's the government's job.Close Quote
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Friends

Phoebe Phoebe Open QuoteI feel this cat is my mother.Close Quote
Joey Joey Open QuotePhoebe's mom has has some huge...Close Quote
Chandler Chandler Open QuoteShut up!Close Quote
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Publish to Facebook Wall Quote Entered by: Mikey Fouse
 

V for Vendetta

Guy 1 Open QuoteShe just threatened us.Close Quote
Guy 2 Open QuoteThat she did. You know what that means, don't you? It means that we exercise our own judicial discretion.Close Quote
Guy 1 Open QuoteAnd you get to swallow it.Close Quote
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